Forget that I did not fight for a fair settlement because I wanted to do "do the right thing". Forget that all the time and effort that we both had put in was for naught, since she admitted that she was not able to get past what was, honestly, a very minor transgression, 10 years earlier, and that she knew she was never going to forgive me. Forget that I had done everything she had asked, to work out marital issues. Forget the fact that she was undiagnosed ADHD until moving to Rhode Island, and that after all the work I had done upon my own diagnosis, she was still holding me to blame for the failure of our marriage, despite all that we knew from my own journey.
But, I can not forget how raw and vulnerable I was after the split. I tried to date a few months afterwards, but it just was not possible. My heart wasn't in it. I was scared, hurt and withdrawn.
Then, one day, a young lady with whom I work sat down next to me at lunch and we chatted. I had seen her for months, as she worked I the same area as me. A couple of chats, and one evening of crying on her shoulder after meeting with my divorce attorney, and we were dating. A few more dates, and I was her boyfriend. A little while later, I was more deeply in love than I had ever thought possible.
It's been three months, we love each other, and are talking about the future we want together. We are in love. We want to get married. We want to have a family. We have only one problem...she is 30 years younger than me.
As soon as I realized the depth of the relationship, I started reading about such relationships. The odds are not good. They're actually quite bad. In spite of that, we continue to be completely wrapped up in each other. As we progress down this road, the age becomes more and more of a concern. She raises all the legitimate concerns:
- When she is my age, she will probably be a widow
- I will not ever see my grandchildren
- She will have no real support system when I die, since her parent will likely be gone, as well.
- She will be starting over when she is my age.
- She will not yet have retired, and therefore not be able to do the things retired couples do together.
And so, we have a problem. Or I should say, I have a problem. As a spiritual being, I would say that I should not sacrifice what may be 30 years of a beautiful relationship, just because of what will happen in 30 years.
But I'm not the one who will be left behind, so it's easy for me to say that.
So, more to the point, am I being selfish and inconsiderate by not breaking up with her? Is it wrong of me to want this relationship as badly as I do?
These are all rhetorical questions. She and I have to answer them for ourselves. Wish us luck.